Connection Before Correction: What Does It Mean and How To Do It?
By Allie Loeb, LCSW
A phrase that is becoming increasingly popular with child therapists is “connection before correction”. What does this actually mean though? Maybe you’ve heard this from your child’s teacher, pediatrician, or on Instagram, but still aren’t sure what it means. Let’s break it down, as well as how it’s done.
But First… Brain Education
Some brain education! There are two important parts of the brain responsible for emotion activation, recognition, and regulation: the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex. The amygdala acts like an alarm system inside of our brain and body, triggering a “fight, flight, freeze” response when we become scared, angry, stressed, or overwhelmed. As we age, our prefrontal cortex helps us process language, think logically, and generally slow ourselves down, acting almost like a buffer so we can better respond to the alarms our amygdala will send. In young children, however, this part of the brain is just barely starting to develop, which means that they do not have the capacity to regulate themselves, think with logic, or understand language. Why does this matter? Because when your child is upset, their ability to hear feedback from the adults around them becomes nearly non-existent.
Connection Before Correction
The idea behind this phrase is related to the importance of relationship, connection, and calming the nervous system. Children need the support of their safe caregiver to aid in their regulation as they are still developing their own regulation capacities. Children often hold a deep, pure love for their parents and caregivers, and feel emotionally safest when they’re with them. And we know that children do their best when they consistently feel safe, loved, and supported. Boundaries are an extremely important part of this development, but so is connection. We as humans tend to feel most open to feedback from those around us when we also know that we’re still cared for and loved; children are no different.
Most importantly, the ways that children are primed for feedback through the regulation and communication of their parent or caregiver directly impacts their ability to actually hear the feedback and apply it in a growth focused way! Children learn most effectively when they are calm because their amygdala is no longer hijacking their prefrontal cortex and they are best able to hear language and process information. Connection aids in that regulation and calming; starting right with correction tends to keep children in that dysregulated, overwhelmed state.
Aiming for connection before correction means supporting your child in calming their nervous system, which during a tantrum or meltdown is operating solely from their amygdala. In order for children to actually learn, their amygdala needs to stop sending stress response signals to the rest of the body, requiring their adults to be calm, supportive, nurturing, and regulating.
Connection Before Correction In Real Time
While your child is in their tantrum or overwhelm, the primary job of the parent or caregiver is to keep them safe and help them return to calm. This can be done with hugs, back rubs, modeling deep breathing, or deep pressure squeezes; anything that helps to calm your child’s nervous system.
As your child returns to a calm state, this is where connection before correction becomes important! Spend a few moments in the space with your child offering physical comfort and words of love, while simultaneously labeling their emotions. Offer a hug while saying “I see how sad you are about this. I love you and am here to help you.” The goal is continued co-regulation while supporting long-term relationship well-being. Ensure their breathing is normal and they have returned to a generally relaxed state. This doesn’t mean you’re allowing them to return to their play or carry on with whatever they were doing before; you’re simply aiding in their regulation and ensuring their brain is back “online” as much as possible.
Aim to understand the why behind their behavior before moving onto correction. This might sound like “tell me more about…” or “can you help me understand why you…” Why does this matter? Because it helps you understand your child’s perspective, gives you more language for correction, and shows that their words and experiences matter to you.
Offer the correction (and the potential natural consequence). This is the place to continue holding the boundaries, limits, and expectations. Your child might become a bit upset again, and that’s ok, just continue supporting the regulation and connection cycle. You can use “what” questions to help reinforce your child’s learning, like “what are the rules in our home about hitting?” or “what happens in our family if we draw on the walls?”.
What About Younger Children? My Child is Too Young for This Much Language
For much younger toddlers and children, you can do the same thing with even less language. Aid in their co-regulation, ensure they’ve returned to calm, and then gently offer the correction and natural outcome of their choice.
If you find yourself frequently in cycles of tantrums, meltdowns, battles, or conflict with your young child and are looking for support, providers at First Light Therapy are experienced in providing mental health care for children ages 3-9 years old and their parents. Contact us to discuss further.
The information and content on this post is for informational purposes and should not be considered medical advice. If you have questions about your mental health, please reach out to your doctor.