What is Co-Regulation?
By Allie Loeb, LCSW
Children’s brains are constantly growing, learning, and developing, however one part of the brain that is fairly well-developed and functional from birth on is the amygdala, a small but powerful part of our brain’s system. The amygdala essentially functions as our body’s alarm system, setting us into fight, flight, or freeze when we become scared, overwhelmed, or upset, even before our brains can process anything else! For babies, they are already experiencing their amygdala in action when they respond to both pleasant and unpleasant experiences, becoming distressed when they’re hungry, tired, or stressed, and becoming calm when they experience familiar and soothing voices, comforts, and snuggles.
As children develop, their brain is rapidly changing, too, and they can engage in more complex thoughts, problem solving, language expression, and more. There is so much they’re able to do in those early childhood years of life!
One part of the brain called the prefrontal cortex is specifically responsible for a large portion of independent emotion understanding, recognition, and regulation, and unfortunately does not finish developing until our late 20s. That means that in early childhood, it is expected that children will require a significant amount of support in regulating their emotions. Because the prefrontal cortex is responsible for logical thinking, rational ideas, emotion and experiential processing, problem solving, and more, which are all critical parts of independent emotion regulation, it makes sense that children would need significant support in managing their feelings. While we see the beginnings of the prefrontal cortex development in toddlerhood and early childhood, as we see children beginning to be able to make plans, organize their ideas, communicate their needs, and problem solve, it is not yet developed enough for children to independently regulate their feelings.
Children therefore require the support of a safe, trusted, nurturing adult to help them regulate their emotions. This is called co-regulation. The act of co-regulation is essentially being the calm, safe, reassuring presence for your child while they weather their emotional storm.
A Parent’s Role in Co-Regulation
Recognizing that your child is in distress and that you are a necessary tool in the reduction of their feelings is a critical part here, and for some parents can become a triggering experience. If that sounds like you, know that working with a therapist who is trained and familiar with child development can be extremely helpful! If you become overwhelmed by the sights, sounds, feelings, and needs of your child, it’s going to be much harder to hold space for their emotions, validate their feelings, and offer strategies and support to help them feel better.
Regulating yourself first is necessary in helping to co-regulate your child, and will help you move through their feelings more effectively!
As your child’s safe adult, co-regulation requires you to recognize the emotions they’re experiencing and offer yourself as a steady, consistent, and reliable source of comfort, regulation, and support. You could think of yourself like a thermostat, reading the temperature of the room and cooling it, or a shock absorber, absorbing the shocks and bumps of the road for a smoother riding experience.
Co-Regulation in Action
You’re likely engaging in co-regulation more than you realize. These moments can look like baby wearing, cozy snuggles, back scratches, and giving hugs and kisses. In moments of bigger feelings and behaviors, co-regulation looks like having calm conversations about what’s happened and validating your child’s feelings, taking mindful, quiet walks together, practicing deep breathing (and modeling it for your child), and noticing and naming what your child is experiencing. In the most challenging moments of your child’s dysregulation, co-regulation looks like ensuring their physical safety, staying calm, maintaining the belief that you can handle their feelings, and continuing to make yourself available once they find a more regulated demeanor.
The key through all of these moments is maintaining regulation yourself, through your own deep breathing, use of mantras, taking intentional, brief breaks, and swapping out with another caregiver as necessary. General stress management skills become even more important in parenthood, as the work of co-regulation is near constant and can be taxing on your own system. Be sure to engage in regular support for your own well-being, like daily movement, getting adequate sleep, eating nutritious meals, and managing your stress and anxiety levels.
If you find your child is struggling with frequent, unmanageable, or overwhelming tantrums, or that you’re struggling with your own regulation through their emotional challenges, therapy could offer significant support! Learning your own tools through therapy to better identify and regulate your emotions can benefit your family, or child therapy can support your child in building their emotional vocabulary, regulating their nervous system, and expressing their life experiences. Providers at First Light Therapy specialize in both early childhood and maternal mental health and are ready to offer personalized, supportive care to you and your family. Reach out today to get started!
The information and content on this post is for informational purposes and should not be considered medical advice. If you have questions about your mental health, please reach out to your doctor.